Music

Music

Tired Mormon Boy

Mormon boys got it goin’ on. They are some of most disciplined, clean, and driven people I have ever met. They seem to have a perfect diet, perfect bodies, perfect smile, and perfect habits. Mormon girls seem to be one prayer short of translation. I spend most dates trying to find one flaw but everything they say makes them appear to be Betty Crocker, Faith Hill, and Sister Monson all rolled up into one. I’ve felt the need to “keep up with Jones’” most of my single life, and for a while I put on quite a show, but it’s exhausting. Problem is I’m just an average Joe. I’m not an extreme athlete, daredevil, or anything like that.  As I’ve gotten older it gets harder and harder to not just be myself, good, bad, and everything in between. There are so many things I would never admit to when I’m gettin’ my date on. But now I’m just a tired Mormon boy, so here’s the truth:
 

1. I’ve seen every episode of 24… Twice
 

2. I love “The Notebook”,  “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”, and “10 Things I Hate About You”
 

3. I’ve watched 12 consecutive hours of TV before, usually  it’s 24, not proud of that, but I love Jack Bauer
 

4. I’ve screamed “Total Eclipse of the Heart” driving down the Freeway before
 

5. I tell you that I only snore once in a while…. that’s just not true
 

6. Breakfast burritos and quesadillas are like a food group to me
 

7. I add real cheese to my Mac and Cheese
 

8. I’ve eaten an entire sleeve of Pillsbury cookie dough before
 

9. I’ve eaten an entire bag of Sweet Chili Doritos before
 

10. I’ve spent 10 dollars on the dollar menu before
 

11. I’ve eaten and entire Little Caesar’s pizza before, and the breadsticks
 

12. I’ve drank just soda for an entire day before
 

13. I’ve eaten food that is scarily past the expiration date
 

14. If I find gum on the ground that is still in the wrapper, I eat it
 

15. I’ve chosen wings and a James Bond movie over a Friday night date before… more than once
 

16. That thing I do that you love, so did every other girl I’ve ever dated, that’s why I still do it
 

17. I’ve told you I’m not hungry just because I didn’t want to spend $60.00 on dinner, and then bought Taco

Bell on the way home
 

18. I burp and fart within 30 seconds of dropping you off, every time
 

19. I’m flexing every time you touch me
 

20. I’ve Facebook stalked you in the middle of a date before because I forgot your name
 

21. You don’t shave your legs when you wear pants, I don’t shave my back when I wear shirts
 

22. Hygiene becomes a burden when you’re not around
 

23. I giggle whenever anybody says “Priesthood Duties”
 

24. I’ve forgotten my own birthday before, good luck remembering yours
 

25. I’ve danced alone in my room before, and there was no music playing
 

26. I’ve cleaned a dirty fork with my tongue before
 

27. I’ve drooled for no apparent reason before
 

28. My boogers fascinate me
 

29. My 5 year old nephew proves me wrong, and I pretend he’s too young to understand
 

30. I still daydream about being an action hero, usually I’m Jack Bauer
 

31. I’ve fallen asleep with gum in my mouth before, and then kept chewing it when I woke up
 

32. I’ve done some incredible things to distract you on a date just so I can sneak a fart
 

33. At parties I pretend to be doing something on my phone when I have no one to talk to
 

34. I like my Jeep more than most people
 

35. I hate teaching you how to drive stick
 

36. I’ve been late to pick you up before because I was watching TV, usually 24
 

37. I still think peeing outside is fun
 

38. I’ve went on diets that have lasted less than an hour
 

39. I’ve done the same date 3 times in a week with 3 different girls just because I was lazy
 

40. When my mom texts me on a date, I pretend like it’s another girl and look classy by not responding
 

41. I’ve eaten fries off your plate when you’ve gone to the bathroom
 

42. I laugh louder at my friends jokes when you're in earshot just to see if you look
 

43. Sometimes I put cheese on a plate, microwave it, then eat it with a fork
 

44. Holding your hand stops being fun when my hand gets sweaty
 

45. I google athletes on dates with you so I sound like I know more about sports than you do
 

46. When my room is messy, I pick a shirt and pray it doesn’t stink. Halfway through the date sometimes I realize I chose poorly
 

47. I’ve taken a 5 hour nap on a Saturday before
 

48. I’ve peed in a bottle while driving so I wouldn’t be late for a date
 

49. Sometimes I decide to go to Wendy’s instead of the gym
 

50. Sometimes I can’t remember the last time I washed my bed sheets
 

51. When I pee at your house, I aim for the side of the bowl because I don’t want you to hear
 

52. I have to smell EVERYTHING at least once
 

53. I’ve dated my best friend’s girlfriend’s little sister, just so I could hang out with my best friend​​​

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